I dont really feel like writing.  Ive had no motivation lately but I really think I need to mention Alex today.  Today is 2 years since he died.  It almost doesnt feel real.  I know why it gets harder with each passing day.  Its because with time people forget that you once had a child that died.  When it happens you have loads of support from your family, friends and even strangers.  As each year passes people forget that you once had a baby.  They forget that you still need the support.  People think you get ‘over it’.  They’re wrong.  Today is just another day to everyone else.  To me its the anniversary of the day that my world collapsed.  Sorry to sound so negative.  Despite my negativity I have actually been pretty good today.  I appreciate what I have, which is that gorgeous little boy sleeping soundly in his cot right now but I still have moments when I reflect on what I ‘could’ have had and that is 2 gorgeous little boys sleeping soundly in their cots. 

The last couple of weeks since my last post have been long and tiring.  Dylan has been battling a skin infection for about 3 weeks now (which by the way looks nothing like school sores so it has us baffled as to what is causing it) then last week he developed a fever that lasted 2 days until we were told he had a chest infection and after starting yet another course of antibiotics he is now doing much better.  His skin on his face still looks horrible because he claws at it because it obviously itches him and he now has little scabs everywhere.  I think in a space of two weeks we went to the doctors 5 times and saw 4 different doctors.  I’m so over it!  It feels as if Dylan cant catch a break.  It feels like he has been sick almost every week since he has been born. 

Its just past midnight so I can go to bed now knowing that another ‘anniversary’ is over. 

Dylan was supposed to go to childcare today but before going this morning JP booked him a doctors appointment and decided to go in to work late so he could take him.  I didn’t want to take him because I’m embarrassed that I seem to be taking him to the doctor almost every week now.  Well I have to admit that my husband was right for ONCE! 

I decided I would also go this morning and it seems the little red marks all over Dylan’s face are not mosquito bites like we initially thought.  They are school sores or ‘impetigo’ so not only is Dylan still recovering from the cold he caught 2 weeks ago at childcare (he has a nasty lingering cough) but since starting he has now developed school sores which are a skin infection.  He has been prescribed a course of antibiotics and I’m keeping him home today because they are apparently contagious.  What a great start!  They are common in children that start school so needless to say we are not impressed! 

This morning we also went to have a look at a hall to hire for Dylan’s birthday.  It was quite nice so it looks like we might go with that idea and then hire a catering company for food.  Its a little over a month to go so we are really pushing it for time so we will have to make a decision soon.

Dear Alex,

Happy 2nd Birthday my sweet angel.  Today was harder than I thought it would be because I miss you so much.  When you grew your wings and went to heaven a part of me died too and went with you. I will never ever be the same person again.  When you go to sleep tonight imagine me wrapping my arms around you, cuddling you and rocking you to sleep because I will be imagining that too.  I hope you had fun playing with all the other angel babies today.  Daddy and I sent you some balloons to share with your friends so I hope you found them.  I love you sweetie.  Love Mummy.

Dylan’s cold is better although he has been left with a nasty cough.  Ive also caught it so we both sound like barking dogs. He is eating better though which I am relieved about because he has lost alot of weight in the last week and I was starting to get worried that maybe his heart was playing up.  I’m still not convinced that everything is OK but I will wait until he is completely over this cold and eating better and then decide if I want to get him checked out.  Its not only his weight but other little things that are considered ’signs’ to look out for that bother me such as decreased appetite, sweating and lack of energy.  Yesterday I was really worried because he actually lay still for nappy changes which is rare for Dylan but today his energy levels were back in full force so I’m feeling a little better about it.  In fact it took both mum and I to look after him today and he exhausted both of us.  He was so grizzly and energetic and I’ve noticed another tooth come through so that also explains why he hasnt quite been ‘himself’ lately.  We had to give him 4 doses of teething gel and panadol today just to stop him screaming.  I’m exhausted.  It’s almost midnight again and I really should be in bed to rest up for tomorrow but I just wanted to post in case I dont get a chance tomorrow. 

Tomorrow is Alex’s 2nd birthday.  I guess thats where my extreme paranoia over Dylan comes from and also the reason why I got so upset that the cupcakes I made tonight for Alex’s birthday look so terrible.  I mean they’re only cupcakes but I just wanted them to be perfect for my little boy on his 2nd birthday despite the fact that he won’t get to see them. 

Please let me get through tomorrow.  Is it supposed to get easier because its been 2 years and I still want my little boy back.  My heart hurts knowing that he isnt here for me to hold and cuddle on his 2nd birthday.  I just want to turn back the clock.  Maybe the doctors didnt do enough…maybe I didnt do enough…damn it! I have so many regrets right now.  I spend almost all my free time (granted I dont have that much) following CDH babies and I just wonder when my obsession with this birth defect will end.  I barely have time to look after myself but I always make time to follow my CDH babies.  I am so well informed about the defect and I just think that if I had been this well informed 2 years ago I could have done something to help change how things worked out.  

I’m tired…I’m rambling now and I cant write anymore through my tears.   

I expected and people told me that Dylan would catch a few more colds than usual now that he is in childcare but I didnt expect it to happen in the first week! Dylan has an awful cold which pretty much started the day after he went to childcare.  I knew those snotty noses I saw when I went there were a bad sign. 

We have had a few sleepless nights just looking after him as he seems to be much worse at night.  Tonight he has been dry retching and choking on his phlegm and his blocked nose is keeping him for sleeping comfortably.  I think we are in for another sleepless night tonight.  I am also catching it now so I am not only feeling the exhaustion from lack of sleep but also the effects of this cold.  We have cancelled Dylan’s first swimming lesson tomorrow and I probably wont take him to childcare on Tuesday either.  Last Tuesday I picked him up at midday which was a little earlier than I was going to because I phoned and they said he was pretty much on and off all day with his crying.  He also vomited all his food so I thought I better not push him too much just yet.  When I went to pick him up he looked like he had been crying all day.  When we got home he sobbed in my arms for a long while before going to sleep.  My heart breaks that I am bringing him somewhere he obviously doesn’t want to be. 

It’s after midnight so I’m going to go check on Dylan again before trying to get a couple of hours of sleep. I need all the energy I can get for him during the day.  This cold hasn’t stopped his energy levels despite the fact that he has stopped eating.  The small amount of food he has had he has thrown up so I don’t know where he still gets the energy.  He is standing up on furniture now and seems to want to stand up at every opportunity he can get.  For some reason he has also become very accident prone this last week. Just today he fell on his face when he tried to get up on his knees, hit is mouth on a toy making his lip bleed, he has scratches on his face which I am guessing he has done with his nails and yesterday he bit his tongue.  All in all he is having a crappy week and has had plenty to cry about.  Hopefully he will start to feel better in the next couple of days. 

I have been suffering from really bad headaches the last few days so I havent felt like sitting at the computer.  I am not sure if its related to the fact that I am still weaning the breastfeeding down.  Today we are down to one ‘before bed’ feed only but I am incredibly uncomfortable.  Dylan doesnt seem to miss the breastfeeding much which is good because it would just make this whole process harder.     

Dylan is in childcare right now.  I dropped him off at 8.30am this morning and will pick him up at 1.00pm and here I am blogging while my son sits at a childcare probably screaming and crying.  I feel soooo guilty! When I dropped him off this morning half the kids were crying on the floor and had snotty noses.  It was hard to leave him knowing that I was only going to be at home today and I wasnt sending him there out of necessity because I had to go and work.  Mum came with me and it was the first time she had come into the centre (despite the fact that it is only across the road from home) so when we left she was crying.  She found it hard to leave him too.  I went to get a blood test afterwards (one that I was supposed to get 3 months ago to check on my thyroid levels and never got around to) and then we went to grab some breakfast before coming home. 

JP started work again today which I am sad about.  He has been such a great help looking after Dylan and I cant say that it has been easy the last few days.  We have had a bad few days and I havent been coping all that well.  I’ve had moments where Ive just had to go lie down alone in my room out of sheer exhaustion and because I’d had enough of listening to Dylan whine all day.  Its been good that JP has been able to give me the break so I dont know what I’m going to do now that he is going back to work.  Dylan had a much better day yesterday so hopefully we were just going through a rough patch. 

At child care last week we left Dylan there for an hour on his own but stayed in the building in case he wouldnt settle.  It was part of his orientation and trying to slowly introduce him to child care.  We were told we could go in and see him as often as we liked.  We gave him half an hour and then thought we would go check what he was doing.  He was happily playing on the floor with some other kids so we left again.  10 minutes later the carer came to call us because Dylan had started crying and they didnt want him to get too upset on his first day.  When we went to see him they had him in an art smock and were trying to get him to paste some feathers onto some paper.  He was crying so hard that an hour later even after we got him home he was still sobbing and hiccuping.  I felt so sorry for him and like such a mean mother.  I think half the problem was that all the other kids had been put to bed so only Dylan was still awake and on his own with the carers.  It didnt help that he was over-tired and needed a nap too.  He ‘officially’ starts today so I am hoping that he has a better day.  I am so worried and know that if he doesnt start to like it then I will probably pull him out completely.       

Its been a fairly busy week.  Dylan went to child care on Tuesday for the first time and although he loved it I’m still trying to erase the memory of the hour we spent there from my mind.  Of course Dylan loved it…why wouldnt he? He thought it was great having both his mummy and daddy playing with him on the floor AS WELL as all these new toys and kids to play with.  Lets see what he thinks of it next time when we leave him there on his own.  The carers really didn’t have much time to spend talking with us so we played with Dylan on the floor and just observed while they took care of the other 8 or so babies there. 

I have to say it was a real eye opener to see one person feed 5 babies at the same time. I have trouble feeding just one baby.  I was wondering how it was possible to sit 5 bowls in front of 5 babies in high chairs and expect them not to touch their bowls or tip food all over themselves.  Well, the short answer is; its not possible.  For a good minute all 5 babies behaved and didn’t touch their bowls and then the carer made the mistake of going to answer the phone.  That was a BIG mistake! Slowly..one by one each baby picked up their bowl of mashed veggies and tipped them on the floor or down their front.  There was food everywhere.  You should of seen the look of horror on my face from where I sat on the floor with Dylan in the corner of the room.  I think I’m going to have to hose Dylan down when he gets home from child care in future.  It must be the ‘clean freak’ in me but there is no way I would sit a bowl of food in front of Dylan when I feed him because the first thing he would do is tip it upside down and mess food everywhere.  The other thing that really bothered me is that there was another baby (who I might add was quite scary looking because he was the size of a small man and he kept grunting) was spitting up when Dylan was playing with him and the carers didn’t notice.  Dylan was trying the poke his fingers in the spit-up so lucky we were there to stop him.  This half baby-half man was also trying to hit some wooden toys over Dylan’s head.  I know I’m just going to have to get used to the fact that he will come home dirty, he will catch more colds and other illnesses and he won’t always get the attention he gets at home.  Yep..I’m just going to have to suck it up and live with it.  He is going to child care.  The decision has been made and there is no turning back now. 

On Wednesday we took Dylan swimming.  Ive never seen such a scared look on Dylan’s face except when he had his first bath. I’m hoping he starts loving the swimming as much as he does the bath now.  I will have to post some photos to show you all the expression on his face because it was just priceless.  We have booked him in for 8 weeks of swimming starting February.  I hope his heart can handle it!

Dylan has been an absolute nightmare today.  Last night he had a terrible night where he cried several times and I had to comfort him and put him back to sleep again at 5 in the morning. Today he whined non-stop.  He has also been fussy with his solids and milk feeds.  As I sit here typing I can hear him in his cot moaning in his sleep.  I’m not sure if his teeth are bothering him or if he has some pain somewhere.  I’m hoping he has a better day tomorrow. 

We still haven’t sold our car.  Our mechanic found nothing wrong with it except that we need to replace the windscreen because of a couple of stone chips which we are quite willing to do.  The buyer we had still believes his own mechanic that told him it had a few other things wrong so based on that he offered us $2000 less than what we were asking.  There is no way we are selling for such a small price so we may as well keep it for now. 

Dylan has reached some new milestones over the last few days.  He can stand on his own holding on to furniture and he can walk a few steps by himself if he leans and pushes his walking toys.  I cant say that he will be walking by his birthday but he might be pretty close. 

Okay..I’m off to bed now as its after midnight and I know its going to be another sleepless night if today is anything to go by. Goodnight!

Dylan goes to child care tomorrow for the first time !  It will only be for an hour or two but it still feels as if I am sending my baby to school for the first time.  Surprisingly I’m feeling okay about it though.  Probably because I’m going to be staying with him.  I guess the real test is in a couple of weeks when I have to leave him there for the day.  The paediatrician says its good for him to go so I am going to try to remember his advice.  Dylan needs alot of stimulation and gets bored very easily.  I think he will enjoy being able to play with other kids but I’m afraid that he is going to be the bully in the group because when he plays with his cousin he snatches the toys out of his hands and pulls on his hair and clothes until he cries. Hopefully going to child care will teach him to be more sharing, patient and kind with other kids.

We also went to see a swim school today and want to start him in lessons soon but for now we have booked one class on Wednesday to see if he enjoys it.  We don’t want him to be a professional swimmer or force him in the water; we just want him to learn about water safety and don’t want him to be afraid of being in a swimming pool.  We went shopping today and bought him a Wiggles bag as well as bathers (swim suit for those that don’t know what bathers are) and a new towel so he is ready for child care tomorrow and swimming on Wednesday.  

I took some photos of him today in his new swim suit.

Playing in his new playpen….

and with his cousin…

Showing us that he can pull himself up on to furniture

On another completely different topic – it looks like we might have a buyer for our car! Yay!  It has been for sale since Dylan was born although we havent spent too much time advertising it and it has sat in my grandma’s driveway for about 6 months.  Finally we decided to park it in a visible location with a ‘for sale’ sign and we have had heaps of interest.  One guy wants to buy it for his daughter and last week took it to his mechanic.  Unfortunately his mechanic says a couple of things need fixing but the guy is still interested.  Tomorrow we are taking it to our mechanic for a second opinion because as far as we knew there was nothing wrong with it.  If our mechanic finds the same faults we may need to renegotiate the price.  We are hoping our mechanic doesnt find anything wrong.  Selling this car will mean some extra money and take away some of the stress of not having an income right now so fingers crossed that we sell it this week.