Dylan’s cold is better although he has been left with a nasty cough. Ive also caught it so we both sound like barking dogs. He is eating better though which I am relieved about because he has lost alot of weight in the last week and I was starting to get worried that maybe his heart was playing up. I’m still not convinced that everything is OK but I will wait until he is completely over this cold and eating better and then decide if I want to get him checked out. Its not only his weight but other little things that are considered ’signs’ to look out for that bother me such as decreased appetite, sweating and lack of energy. Yesterday I was really worried because he actually lay still for nappy changes which is rare for Dylan but today his energy levels were back in full force so I’m feeling a little better about it. In fact it took both mum and I to look after him today and he exhausted both of us. He was so grizzly and energetic and I’ve noticed another tooth come through so that also explains why he hasnt quite been ‘himself’ lately. We had to give him 4 doses of teething gel and panadol today just to stop him screaming. I’m exhausted. It’s almost midnight again and I really should be in bed to rest up for tomorrow but I just wanted to post in case I dont get a chance tomorrow.
Tomorrow is Alex’s 2nd birthday. I guess thats where my extreme paranoia over Dylan comes from and also the reason why I got so upset that the cupcakes I made tonight for Alex’s birthday look so terrible. I mean they’re only cupcakes but I just wanted them to be perfect for my little boy on his 2nd birthday despite the fact that he won’t get to see them.
Please let me get through tomorrow. Is it supposed to get easier because its been 2 years and I still want my little boy back. My heart hurts knowing that he isnt here for me to hold and cuddle on his 2nd birthday. I just want to turn back the clock. Maybe the doctors didnt do enough…maybe I didnt do enough…damn it! I have so many regrets right now. I spend almost all my free time (granted I dont have that much) following CDH babies and I just wonder when my obsession with this birth defect will end. I barely have time to look after myself but I always make time to follow my CDH babies. I am so well informed about the defect and I just think that if I had been this well informed 2 years ago I could have done something to help change how things worked out.
I’m tired…I’m rambling now and I cant write anymore through my tears.
