Alexander Kruger – 7/2/06-27/2/06 February 27, 2008

I dont really feel like writing.  Ive had no motivation lately but I really think I need to mention Alex today.  Today is 2 years since he died.  It almost doesnt feel real.  I know why it gets harder with each passing day.  Its because with time people forget that you once had a child that died.  When it happens you have loads of support from your family, friends and even strangers.  As each year passes people forget that you once had a baby.  They forget that you still need the support.  People think you get ‘over it’.  They’re wrong.  Today is just another day to everyone else.  To me its the anniversary of the day that my world collapsed.  Sorry to sound so negative.  Despite my negativity I have actually been pretty good today.  I appreciate what I have, which is that gorgeous little boy sleeping soundly in his cot right now but I still have moments when I reflect on what I ‘could’ have had and that is 2 gorgeous little boys sleeping soundly in their cots. 

The last couple of weeks since my last post have been long and tiring.  Dylan has been battling a skin infection for about 3 weeks now (which by the way looks nothing like school sores so it has us baffled as to what is causing it) then last week he developed a fever that lasted 2 days until we were told he had a chest infection and after starting yet another course of antibiotics he is now doing much better.  His skin on his face still looks horrible because he claws at it because it obviously itches him and he now has little scabs everywhere.  I think in a space of two weeks we went to the doctors 5 times and saw 4 different doctors.  I’m so over it!  It feels as if Dylan cant catch a break.  It feels like he has been sick almost every week since he has been born. 

Its just past midnight so I can go to bed now knowing that another ‘anniversary’ is over. 

School sores? February 12, 2008

Dylan was supposed to go to childcare today but before going this morning JP booked him a doctors appointment and decided to go in to work late so he could take him.  I didn’t want to take him because I’m embarrassed that I seem to be taking him to the doctor almost every week now.  Well I have to admit that my husband was right for ONCE! 

I decided I would also go this morning and it seems the little red marks all over Dylan’s face are not mosquito bites like we initially thought.  They are school sores or ‘impetigo’ so not only is Dylan still recovering from the cold he caught 2 weeks ago at childcare (he has a nasty lingering cough) but since starting he has now developed school sores which are a skin infection.  He has been prescribed a course of antibiotics and I’m keeping him home today because they are apparently contagious.  What a great start!  They are common in children that start school so needless to say we are not impressed! 

This morning we also went to have a look at a hall to hire for Dylan’s birthday.  It was quite nice so it looks like we might go with that idea and then hire a catering company for food.  Its a little over a month to go so we are really pushing it for time so we will have to make a decision soon.

Alex’s Birthday Photos February 12, 2008

Message to Alex on his 2nd Birthday February 7, 2008

Dear Alex,

Happy 2nd Birthday my sweet angel.  Today was harder than I thought it would be because I miss you so much.  When you grew your wings and went to heaven a part of me died too and went with you. I will never ever be the same person again.  When you go to sleep tonight imagine me wrapping my arms around you, cuddling you and rocking you to sleep because I will be imagining that too.  I hope you had fun playing with all the other angel babies today.  Daddy and I sent you some balloons to share with your friends so I hope you found them.  I love you sweetie.  Love Mummy.

Tomorrow is Alex’s Birthday February 6, 2008

Dylan’s cold is better although he has been left with a nasty cough.  Ive also caught it so we both sound like barking dogs. He is eating better though which I am relieved about because he has lost alot of weight in the last week and I was starting to get worried that maybe his heart was playing up.  I’m still not convinced that everything is OK but I will wait until he is completely over this cold and eating better and then decide if I want to get him checked out.  Its not only his weight but other little things that are considered ’signs’ to look out for that bother me such as decreased appetite, sweating and lack of energy.  Yesterday I was really worried because he actually lay still for nappy changes which is rare for Dylan but today his energy levels were back in full force so I’m feeling a little better about it.  In fact it took both mum and I to look after him today and he exhausted both of us.  He was so grizzly and energetic and I’ve noticed another tooth come through so that also explains why he hasnt quite been ‘himself’ lately.  We had to give him 4 doses of teething gel and panadol today just to stop him screaming.  I’m exhausted.  It’s almost midnight again and I really should be in bed to rest up for tomorrow but I just wanted to post in case I dont get a chance tomorrow. 

Tomorrow is Alex’s 2nd birthday.  I guess thats where my extreme paranoia over Dylan comes from and also the reason why I got so upset that the cupcakes I made tonight for Alex’s birthday look so terrible.  I mean they’re only cupcakes but I just wanted them to be perfect for my little boy on his 2nd birthday despite the fact that he won’t get to see them. 

Please let me get through tomorrow.  Is it supposed to get easier because its been 2 years and I still want my little boy back.  My heart hurts knowing that he isnt here for me to hold and cuddle on his 2nd birthday.  I just want to turn back the clock.  Maybe the doctors didnt do enough…maybe I didnt do enough…damn it! I have so many regrets right now.  I spend almost all my free time (granted I dont have that much) following CDH babies and I just wonder when my obsession with this birth defect will end.  I barely have time to look after myself but I always make time to follow my CDH babies.  I am so well informed about the defect and I just think that if I had been this well informed 2 years ago I could have done something to help change how things worked out.  

I’m tired…I’m rambling now and I cant write anymore through my tears.   

Dylan February 2, 2008

I expected and people told me that Dylan would catch a few more colds than usual now that he is in childcare but I didnt expect it to happen in the first week! Dylan has an awful cold which pretty much started the day after he went to childcare.  I knew those snotty noses I saw when I went there were a bad sign. 

We have had a few sleepless nights just looking after him as he seems to be much worse at night.  Tonight he has been dry retching and choking on his phlegm and his blocked nose is keeping him for sleeping comfortably.  I think we are in for another sleepless night tonight.  I am also catching it now so I am not only feeling the exhaustion from lack of sleep but also the effects of this cold.  We have cancelled Dylan’s first swimming lesson tomorrow and I probably wont take him to childcare on Tuesday either.  Last Tuesday I picked him up at midday which was a little earlier than I was going to because I phoned and they said he was pretty much on and off all day with his crying.  He also vomited all his food so I thought I better not push him too much just yet.  When I went to pick him up he looked like he had been crying all day.  When we got home he sobbed in my arms for a long while before going to sleep.  My heart breaks that I am bringing him somewhere he obviously doesn’t want to be. 

It’s after midnight so I’m going to go check on Dylan again before trying to get a couple of hours of sleep. I need all the energy I can get for him during the day.  This cold hasn’t stopped his energy levels despite the fact that he has stopped eating.  The small amount of food he has had he has thrown up so I don’t know where he still gets the energy.  He is standing up on furniture now and seems to want to stand up at every opportunity he can get.  For some reason he has also become very accident prone this last week. Just today he fell on his face when he tried to get up on his knees, hit is mouth on a toy making his lip bleed, he has scratches on his face which I am guessing he has done with his nails and yesterday he bit his tongue.  All in all he is having a crappy week and has had plenty to cry about.  Hopefully he will start to feel better in the next couple of days.