The wedding in Sydney was great. The food was delicious, the couple looked gorgeous and we all had a great time. We left on Friday night and came back Sunday morning so it was a quick trip. Dylan is so good when we go away. I think its because we are always out and about and he has plenty to look at and keep him entertained. He becomes bored at home too easily with just me because he is a real people person and loves the company of others. He hardly slept all weekend in case he missed out on anything but even though he was so tired he was still happy to be out and about. We went with my sister and her family and Dylan loves his cousins because they are always making him laugh. As you can see my nephew has started teaching Dylan how to play the Nintendo. Its never too early to learn!
This weekend made me realise how lucky I am and I couldnt wipe the smile off my face. There is nothing better than watching your husband and son on the dance floor boogieing the night away. A couple of years ago I would never have dreamed that I would be a mother of two boys; a beautiful angel in heaven and one here on earth who is growing up way too quickly.
I almost feel clucky again to want another baby. I say ‘almost’ because then I start to think about the stress of being pregnant and having ultrasounds tell you something is wrong with your baby. JP and I have talked about the timing of another and I dont think we are ready yet to go through it all again. The end result of bringing home a baby is all worth it but having 2 stressful pregnancies in 2 years is more than we can cope with right now. Its sad that we havent been able to enjoy either pregnancy and I just hope that next time we will be be able to bring home a healthy baby after a few short days in hospital. That is – if there is a next time! JP isnt so sure he wants another because he is scared and I dont blame him but we have always said we wanted three children and I feel like I would be denying Dylan of growing up with a brother of sister if we chose not to have more.
When we got back yesterday we quickly unpacked and then went to the children’s remembrance service at the cemetery where Alex is buried. It was a warm night unlike last year so it was great to be outdoors listening to Christmas carols and lighting our lanterns in honour of our children. We wrote christmas cards and hung them on the christmas tree. I couldnt help but become emotional as I wrote mine. This will be the second christmas without Alex and I cant say that it will be any easier this year than it was last year.
My family came with us and it brought tears to my eyes to see how many people Alex affected in his short life. His branch on the Christmas tree drooped from the number of Christmas cards that were hung for him. My niece and nephew decorated ornaments for him and after the ceremony we went to his grave site and placed them in the ground for him. It was a really nice night but hard on me emotionally. My busy life keeps me from becoming too sad but sitting at the service and having time to think about Alex and the last couple of years made me realise that it still hurts as much as ever. In fact I think it hurts more now because I am watching Dylan grow into a boy and one day he will become a man and I realise that Alex will always be my baby and I’ll never get the chance to see him grow. I look at photos of Alex and try to imagine what he would look like now and wonder whether he would be walking or talking yet and my heart aches knowing that I will never get that opportunity to watch these things that so many other parents take for granted. Alex has made me a better mother. The impact he has had on my life is enormous and I thank god every day for bringing Alex into my life even though it was for only three short weeks.
